My Darkest Days

For days I have been asking myself, why would God want me to live this way? Why would he do this to me? I wanted to give up so bad. The harder I tried to fight the bad things turned out to be. There are times I had interrupted waves of intense, unpleasant emotions and by noticing them, I tried calming myself down and reassuring myself that everything will be okay. This happened for days, weeks, months and years following the cancer treatments and surgeries. Cancer treatment cause physical and emotional changes and those changes can be temporary or permanent. My appearance changed and I was not able to do the things I use to do. I felt insecure and at times I still do. My scars were once a reminder of times when life tried to break me down. Looking at my own scars was painful no matter how many times I told myself they were my strength. It took me years to find my strength and worth again. When you feel like you are in a black hole, a decision is made out of desperation. Until you have started down that level of depression, until you have lost your soul to emptiness and darkness, you don’t get to judge me. You have no idea what it is like to hang on for dear life for your children, family and friends. If I was selfish I would have only thought of my pain, but I thought of the people that loved me. Not once did I think about myself.

I have done everything I was supposed to do, finished school, get a good job, went to work, work hard, was never late. Only to get a disease I didn’t ask for and lose everything, and no one is there to help me. STOP! No you do not understand, and you can never feel my pain.

I worked hard and made my own way. I am a strong, independent woman and I was proud of that. I raised four children on my own and bought a home for us. Don’t get me wrong, I listened to some good advice and did some deep research. Then I made a plan, after that I made my move. I didn’t do anything blindly. I didn’t go looking for cancer, it came looking for me and it was furious. You can be highly educated with an 800 credit score; cancer does not care. You will still be tumbling down the ladder to darkness. If you didn’t know, I am telling you cancer does not care what color your skin is, what gender or age you are, your politics, or what religion you represent. Nothing matters to cancer, it is here to obliterate you “PERIOD”.

Living as a breast cancer survivor is not easy and there so many things we have to continue to do. You hear about those stories were treatments are over and life’s goes right back to normal or to normal as possible. But what about those lives that are destroying those lives which will never be the same not even close to what they used to be. My whole world is turned upside down everything has changed nothing is even close to how it used to. I always asked where are those survivors, can I meet them so I can hear their story. I just want to hear someone’s story like minds so I will know I am not alone.

There is so many of us who lives would never be the same, especially the way it was once before. The follow up care, blood work, mammogram, there are so many things we have to continue to do and we don’t have the money and we can’t get the money.

My nightmares continue to steal my sleep and the flashbacks cause me to remember everything I endured, over and over again. It is like a movie playing in my head and it wants to stop. Sometimes I react without even knowing why sometimes. I have held on for so long that holding on is all I know how to do now. Just look at me.

Do you know me, if you do could tell me who I am? I’m not that little girl you grow up with and I am not that young woman you meet after high school, college, or at work.

I wish I could support other women that are going through the worst time of their life’s like me. I am not in the position to help them or try to put their lives back together, but if I could I would, especially before they lose everything like I did. Not everything that’s supposed to help patients actually helps everyone. Support groups are meant to boost your psychological well-being at a difficult time. But they didn’t do that for me. I found no comfort in any of the group meetings I attended. What I needed was not there.

When the treatments are over the worst has just begun. We are drowning financially about to lose our homes, cars, Jobs, partners everything we have worked for and some of us even become depressed and homeless or all the above. Now you do not understand and you can never feel my pain. I can tell you so many words but you never understand what I am feeling or what I’m going through. You will never be able to do that. I hear people say try harder, get over it, move on. I don’t want a pity party and I don’t need one and I don’t want you to feel sorry for me what I want is for you to try to understand that I am human and I have feelings and I’m going through the worst time of my life.

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